Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
