John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
