so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
