Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
