You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
