Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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