i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
