Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
