how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
