ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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