you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
