I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
