Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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