how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I met the friendliest cop last night
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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