textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
