i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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