Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
