So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize