She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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