You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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