I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
