You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
being pregnant is like rehab
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
