How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
