do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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