I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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