Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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