Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
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