Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
