He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
