after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
