I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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