His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize