This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
