I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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