the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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