I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
