Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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