roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize