just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
