i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
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