Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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