i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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