Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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