Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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