yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
