4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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