I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
