Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
