At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
