I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My feet surprised me
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