I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
There's always time for handjobs
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
