im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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