There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
