You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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