I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
