I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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