i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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